pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
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It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I wish you could order shots online.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
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