He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.