I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
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Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.