Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Here’s Why Hotel Photos On Travel Websites Are A Complete Hoax
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.