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"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
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