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just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
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