oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
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