Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Send us your Text From Last Night!
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Stone age, man.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
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