WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.