Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Tumblr User Tells Story About A ‘Demon Gets Adopted By A Grandma’& It Needs To Be A F**king Movie
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.