Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat