I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
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