other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
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