I haven't been this sober since birth.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
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