The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..