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I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
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