I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
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You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.