Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
i think we sleep fucked last night...
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy