all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
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