All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.