you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Send us your Text From Last Night!
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
should my penis look like a turkey
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
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