I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??