I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
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She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.