(952): Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...

(850): He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life

(+44): We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.

(303): New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...

(812): I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.

(810): Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.

(931): You have the best birthdays

(989): I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.

(347): Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.

(251): And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.

(214): just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.

(619): I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.

(1-619): Very innocently.

(609): and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.

(407): I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.

(214): Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.

(780): Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?

(260): He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?

(1-260): Considering how often you blow him,high.

(541): I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.

(281): I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.

(484): Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer

(831): i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.

(831): It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics