I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
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I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
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