I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.