Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness