He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.