So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
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If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
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