I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
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I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
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I have tasted many bathrooms
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.