High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
19 People Confess The Worst Things They Have Been Accused Of
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.