Texts From Last Night

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(626): View more from California

I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going

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(626): I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going http://tfl.nu/kgzn

Replies (2) Good night (232) Bad night (73)
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(504): View more from Louisiana

No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you

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(504): No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you http://tfl.nu/ma8s

Replies (2) Good night (125) Bad night (100)
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(714): View more from California

Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.

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(714): Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight. http://tfl.nu/ptsd

Replies (4) Good night (226) Bad night (98)
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(707): View more from California

I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."

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(707): I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah." http://tfl.nu/2has

Replies (1) Good night (102) Bad night (195)
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(971): View more from Oregon

It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food

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(971): It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food http://tfl.nu/42uv

Replies (1) Good night (136) Bad night (96)
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(330): View more from Ohio

This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.

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(330): This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus. http://tfl.nu/v7g7

Replies (1) Good night (166) Bad night (67)
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(606): View more from Kentucky

You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.

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(606): You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep. http://tfl.nu/jgge

Replies (1) Good night (82) Bad night (228)
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(605): View more from South Dakota

I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.

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(605): I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help. http://tfl.nu/advt

Replies (0) Good night (118) Bad night (100)
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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.

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(717): He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire. http://tfl.nu/b1n8

Replies (1) Good night (81) Bad night (179)
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(209): View more from California

I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.

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(209): I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night. http://tfl.nu/48e5

Replies (0) Good night (85) Bad night (119)
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(515): View more from Iowa

Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed

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(515): Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed http://tfl.nu/4vqk

Replies (1) Good night (77) Bad night (206)
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(616): View more from Michigan

Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.

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(616): Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning. http://tfl.nu/kfpq

Replies (3) Good night (165) Bad night (103)
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(425): View more from Washington

The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.

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(425): The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house. http://tfl.nu/wynr

Replies (2) Good night (180) Bad night (125)
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(773): View more from Illinois

You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.

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(773): You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night. http://tfl.nu/vj63

Replies (0) Good night (91) Bad night (132)
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(561): View more from Florida

It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.

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(561): It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him. http://tfl.nu/0htu

Replies (1) Good night (98) Bad night (204)

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