Texts From Last Night

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(928): View more from Arizona

My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.

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(928): My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left. http://tfl.nu/85y4

Replies (0) Good night (81) Bad night (59)
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(708): View more from Illinois

I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!

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(708): I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped! http://tfl.nu/5pnp

Replies (1) Good night (106) Bad night (40)
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(513): View more from Ohio

I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.

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(513): I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me. http://tfl.nu/ewcq

Replies (0) Good night (47) Bad night (77)
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(712): View more from Iowa

My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.

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(712): My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain. http://tfl.nu/1h8o

Replies (0) Good night (63) Bad night (72)
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(607): View more from New York

Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.

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(607): Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend. http://tfl.nu/8rh6

Replies (0) Good night (47) Bad night (82)
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(831): View more from California

we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well

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(831): we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well http://tfl.nu/bl6g

Replies (0) Good night (96) Bad night (47)
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(917): View more from New York City

I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat

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(917): I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat http://tfl.nu/s2vr

Replies (1) Good night (105) Bad night (49)
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(636): View more from Missouri

She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!

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(636): She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude! http://tfl.nu/l1oq

Replies (1) Good night (120) Bad night (49)
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(405): View more from Oklahoma

So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.

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(405): So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door. http://tfl.nu/69g0

Replies (1) Good night (96) Bad night (54)
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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.

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(+44): Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later. http://tfl.nu/23tp

Replies (0) Good night (82) Bad night (55)
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(203): View more from Connecticut

I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it

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(203): I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it http://tfl.nu/jm8h

Replies (0) Good night (74) Bad night (72)
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(731): View more from Tennessee

It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.

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(731): It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked. http://tfl.nu/thm4

Replies (1) Good night (123) Bad night (48)
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(+61): View more from Australia

You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".

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(+61): You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering". http://tfl.nu/uajx

Replies (0) Good night (86) Bad night (48)
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(309): View more from Illinois

I need vitamin water and Jesus :/

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(309): I need vitamin water and Jesus :/ http://tfl.nu/afzj

Replies (1) Good night (94) Bad night (60)
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(970): View more from Colorado

idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.

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(970): idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me. http://tfl.nu/gdf6

Replies (0) Good night (65) Bad night (87)

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