i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I broke a rule
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.