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Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
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