Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
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and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
