Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
