So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Send us your Text From Last Night!
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.