How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.