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Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
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