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the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
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