Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?