He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
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It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
its like you know when i get waxed
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
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