What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though