I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?