Texts From Last Night

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(936): View more from Texas

There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol

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(936): There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol http://tfl.nu/zyck

Replies (0) Good night (11) Bad night (8)
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(630): View more from Illinois

The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?

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(630): The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming? http://tfl.nu/32bs

Replies (0) Good night (7) Bad night (8)
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(319): View more from Iowa

Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.

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(319): Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero. http://tfl.nu/gstb

Replies (0) Good night (33) Bad night (20)
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(212): View more from New York

He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?

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(212): He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn? http://tfl.nu/0euf

Replies (0) Good night (46) Bad night (22)
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(540): View more from Virginia

The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.

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(540): The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it. http://tfl.nu/w84l

Replies (0) Good night (35) Bad night (43)
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(815): View more from Illinois

So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.

(815): View more from Illinois

Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.

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(815): So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit. (815): Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message. http://tfl.nu/tst8

Replies (0) Good night (50) Bad night (35)
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(847): View more from Illinois

He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...

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(847): He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose... http://tfl.nu/uj3n

Replies (0) Good night (63) Bad night (50)
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(217): View more from Illinois

I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card

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(217): I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card http://tfl.nu/8646

Replies (0) Good night (256) Bad night (118)
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(406): View more from Montana

Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.

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(406): Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility. http://tfl.nu/8bx1

Replies (1) Good night (248) Bad night (133)
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(802): View more from Vermont

Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?

(1-802): View more from Vermont

Why do you think I have a job?

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(802): Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future? (1-802): Why do you think I have a job? http://tfl.nu/fsnx

Replies (2) Good night (321) Bad night (127)
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(864): View more from South Carolina

She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on

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(864): She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on http://tfl.nu/qa30

Replies (1) Good night (271) Bad night (177)
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(316): View more from Kansas

You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.

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(316): You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza. http://tfl.nu/b79k

Replies (4) Good night (137) Bad night (412)
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(520): View more from Arizona

That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.

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(520): That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you. http://tfl.nu/jnah

Replies (1) Good night (210) Bad night (99)
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(406): View more from Montana

So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.

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(406): So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad. http://tfl.nu/q68j

Replies (0) Good night (131) Bad night (256)
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(516): View more from New York

He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.

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(516): He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP. http://tfl.nu/qa9j

Replies (0) Good night (104) Bad night (268)

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