(479): He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Mar 24, 2010
(518): Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Jul 22, 2011
(630): Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Apr 10, 2011
(405): Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Dec 25, 2012
(254): Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Jun 15, 2016
(425): If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Jul 17, 2009
(+44): The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Jun 20, 2014
(919): Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Oct 21, 2014
(727): the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
(1-727): it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Jan 21, 2011
(508): just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Aug 8, 2015
(703): Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
(215): I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Jun 20, 2009
(916): I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Nov 8, 2012
(412): There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Jul 2, 2012
(604): He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Apr 17, 2011
(314): apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Feb 5, 2011
(817): Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Jun 17, 2012
(847): you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Feb 14, 2010
(612): the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Aug 20, 2009
(585): Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
May 6, 2012
(570): He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
May 10, 2017