Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
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His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"