Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Is that strawberry winking at me??
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
