I said "one day" and that day is not today
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.