If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
