(541): It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now

(757): I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.

(530): I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will

(415): I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.

(503): He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?

(520): my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl

(972): Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?

(770): I have a vagina. So i automatically win.

(216): And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.

(902): driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.

(781): You can't wash away shame.

(1-781): I can try.

(920): So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...

(765): just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.

(630): he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.

(224): he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number

(703): At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.

(830): THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO

(847): We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night

(415): I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station

(742): All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.