you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!