A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?