I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say