Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet