Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Women Are Tweeting Photos Of Their Underwear To Support Rape Victim Whose Thong Was Cited During Trial
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
21 ‘Don’t Say It’ Tweets That Are Gonna Get Said Every Damn Time
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.