Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol