Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.