So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Loading more great texts...