MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
These 19 Underage Drinkers Epicly Got By With A Horrible Fake ID
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
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Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever