Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.