The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
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Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
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Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.