You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
The cops high fived after they tackled you