MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming