Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.