Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good