I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
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I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
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I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?