Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
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