I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Send us your Text From Last Night!
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I just gift wrapped bread.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
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