I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Send us your Text From Last Night!
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
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