She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
there is glitter all over my balls
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk