He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.