You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
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It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?