I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
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So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human