I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
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The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
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I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Dicks are not precious.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.