WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
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If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Shame - the story of my life.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.