His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face