u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
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My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
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I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE