He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
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Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
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His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?