My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.