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Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
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