Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
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i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line