You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.