I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.