Texts From Last Night

Worst Nights of Today

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  (207): View more from Maine

  But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!

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  (207): But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on! http://tfl.nu/iftt
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.

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  (314): My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis. http://tfl.nu/6np1
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.

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  (630): like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant. http://tfl.nu/ihww
  Replies (6) Good night (93) Bad night (304) Order T-Shirt
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.

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  (412): I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help. http://tfl.nu/c3ar
  Replies (3) Good night (127) Bad night (284) Order T-Shirt
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.

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  (734): You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them. http://tfl.nu/p5zk
  Replies (1) Good night (133) Bad night (264)
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.

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  (417): He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex. http://tfl.nu/n0fj
  Replies (0) Good night (55) Bad night (260) Order T-Shirt
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.

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  (850): Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore. http://tfl.nu/g2ed
  Replies (2) Good night (99) Bad night (254) Order T-Shirt
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.

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  (513): So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time. http://tfl.nu/30oo
  Replies (0) Good night (69) Bad night (146) Order T-Shirt
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.

  (662): View more from Mississippi

  Did you at least offer to let him get it out??

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  (901): I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment. (662): Did you at least offer to let him get it out?? http://tfl.nu/gv0l
  Replies (4) Good night (387) Bad night (113)
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  (425): View more from Washington

  You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.

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  (425): You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you. http://tfl.nu/vxkn
  Replies (6) Good night (337) Bad night (109) Order T-Shirt
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?

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  (614): So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes? http://tfl.nu/y2f0
  Replies (5) Good night (382) Bad night (106) Order T-Shirt
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind

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  (651): I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind http://tfl.nu/rbfo
  Replies (2) Good night (150) Bad night (97) Order T-Shirt
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand

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  (832): I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand http://tfl.nu/owk1
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.

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  (330): Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative. http://tfl.nu/cyri
  Replies (1) Good night (168) Bad night (83) Order T-Shirt
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.

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  (856): Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina. http://tfl.nu/1cex
  Replies (7) Good night (370) Bad night (81) Order T-Shirt