I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was