Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps