I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I came so hard my ears popped.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket