I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.