My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.