I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.