Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.