He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
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our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
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