Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.