i used baking grease as lip gloss
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we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
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