Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
It takes talent let's just say that
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."