I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Loading more great texts...