you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
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