He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
how does that bad decision feel?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.