Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
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One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
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