I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
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Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.