I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.