you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
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I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
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