Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
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I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
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How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.