I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
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Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
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Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?