I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.