she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.