Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.