I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.