Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.