I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Send us your Text From Last Night!
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
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