He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
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I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
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